i need an iv and a liver transplant
The nice sales man at 711 gave me a handful of free lighters for buying a carton of cigarettes. I guess the depressed damsel in distress look works for me.
she was carrying the quesadilla around the bar like a security blanket
i wish i could tell you the night didnt begin with me drinking alone
So we went to home depot to buy supplies to build a beer bong but ended up buying an office water cooler that were going to put vodka in
ok, just found out the kid i had random sex with in April was on wheel of fortune so i can really no longer say i regret that night
Wife passed out. Doing shots with the hot bartender... Don't tell me I don't know how to celebrate a 1yr anniversary
I was desperate so I downed my birth control with balsamic vinaigrette...
Oh and jess is gonna pee in our guest bedroom to mark her territory.
He gave me a card that said "I'm so glad we found each other... In the pants" and a pat on the head... My walk of Shame wasn't so bad.
I'm a professor! I can't be caught chasing the liquor with you hooligans once the undergrads have seen my face
I COULD BREAK CONCRETE WITH MY FOOTBALL ERECTION.
By NOT going to the gym, I'm helping my future. I don't want stripping, prostitution, or porn to be viable money making options.
Parade of Dicks...that's what I'm calling 2017
my mom tells me this morning that i was blasting teach me how to dougie at 2 am last night and refused to leave her room until she dougied with me
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