Dude I just masturbated laying underneath my Christmas tree. Apparently all I want for Christmas is to get laid.
We planned for the zombie apocalypse. In great detail. Of course there was booze involved.
A good ear swabbing is more orgasmic than sex with him
He waited til after we had sex to tell me he had herpes... Ugh I hate being drunk
You were peeing on yourself thinking it was the sprinkler in your yard
you just kept saying 'take out my tanks' and tell the cab driver to go slower, i have no idea what you were talking about but i'm glad you had fun.
Dude that musta been some handjob last night. The sound of her pandora bracelet kept waking me up
He gets creativity points for the hot sauce. But it may be awhile until my nipples forgive him
Sorrye. The bathtuv says hi. But theresno water in it. I've wanted too tell you for the longest, but nevr could
Your lack of enthusiasm for my exciting news of drunken debauchery with an otherwise occupied vagina of one of my greatest conquests yet disturbs me. I'm not happy with you
you know it's a good party when the fucking floor caves in. THE FUCKING FLOOR.
I've woke up with the same hoodie on backwards, twice this week. I think that's a record
How drunk is too drunk to be on an airplane?
Started mixing booze directly into the 2 liters and carrying them around. Mixing less often, and now kind of weightlifting,so double effecient.
listen. i haven't sucked a dick in well over three years but i believe in myself.
Randomize
