I scissor kicked a one legged man last night.
He was trying to put me in handcuffs.
You have my attention.
Sometimes I wish there were a little bird hiding that would periodically go, "creep-per."
I'm laying here in fetal position. I feel like a traffic cone
you invented a new sport called "bacon pulling" and you cried everytime a piece broke
You made a course evaluation for your vagina? Wow. You really are a professor now.
I felt like the hulk waking up from a black out except with munchies
Side Note: Everyone in my office is getting engaged and having baby showers. And I'm all like, fuck your joy, I just want more string cheese in my life.
I WANT TO JUMP IN TO A VOLCANO
Somehow his homemade liquor activated memories of my semester abroad three years ago. I ended up yelling random medical advice in German, while my roommates played dress-up with the cat stoned out of their minds. I consequently gave up on dating. Back in the ONS game.
We do have a rich storied history of emotional warfare
is it fucked up if I wear crotchless panties to thanksgiving to make it easier for me to fuck my cousins friend.
God I love you.
I swear to God if you start calling your dick “my pegasus” we’re not friends anymore
But being sober is boring. Everything takes so long, I feel like I'm just waiting in line to die.
Wow. I hope you were either doing that in your sleep or blacked out. You threw up then covered yourself in duct tape... i wish i got that on camera
Remember that one time you told the bartender he was fuckable? Well, he's here.
Randomize
