I just blew up the bathroom at work and now I feel like a new woman
another moral hangover. fuck.
He kept saying the best defense against a lion is to punch it in the throat.
dude. how can brian from family drink at fucking bars? he's a dog and definitaly doesn't have pockets.
When did we start counting Thursdays as weekends?
When we got our fake ids in grade 11, why?
I just feel like it's time to start counting wednesdays as well...
Say something like you want him to fuck you behind a McDonald's. Guys secretly love weird shit like that.
They just kept handing me shots and saying welcome to college
Well. It was around 3 or 4 in the morning. He ran into the woods. Wearing moccasins. Holding an extension cord. He was trying to catch a deer. That about sums up the awesomeness of the night.
I just walked in on my lesbian roommate having sex in the kitchen, and it was awesome. We proceeded to shots naked together. Happy birthday to me.
She told me she's into girls now. I told her there would be a full bottle of jäger and an empty bed here Friday.
Omg I literally just wanna sleep with you right now. Like actual sleep. Not sex. Well maybe. But sleep first
Somehow you're a lightweight AND an alcoholic. Rare combo in one person. Well done.
Just saw my ex AGAIN. The constellation of gays must be at some sort of weird point with Mercury.
He isn't understanding any of my Fetty Wap references. He may not be a keeper after all.
He is completely naked, curled in a ball, and rocking back and forth in the shower humming lullabies to himself. This is your responsibility since I'm going to be fucking someone in 5.7 seconds.
Randomize
