Old men and throwing up are my life now.
Our relationship is like that beach boys song "help me Rhonda" and I'm fucking Rhonda. And Rhondas's the whore in case you've never heard it.
I vaguely remember telling people they were not trash cans
So the waitress at the Chinese Buffet totally just said "Adios" to a Hispanic couple. There's something you don't see every day.
Just once id like to sleep with a man who i havent thrown up on
You may see me on espn tomorrow drunk, half naked, and selling articles of clothing to rich cougars like i did last year, but i will NOT be drinking shitty beer
Apparently the last thing they remember of me was me stumbing into a bathroom, then falling out 5 minutes later clutching a butter knife repeating "ketamine goes in my face hole"
i like to finish this college football season knowing that not once have I had to masturbate to erin andrews
Hes still mad that I left the room mid-hookup to go get a pickle from the fridge.
He said last night that he'd never had such a great conversation and such a great handjob at the same time.
If the boyfriend of the drunk girl you just met asks her if she made a "special friend" you're going to have a threesome. For future reference.
sometimes u just have to say fuck it and help a straight sixteen year old break into her uncles gay bar.
I made $130 by ordering two pizzas and charging them $10 a slice. If they weren't so stoned they might have realized they could have just ordered another pizza for $20.
I spent the last 6 months operating under the assumption that I HADNT fucked a paramedic. I was wrong.
Dunno. My heart says "no", my brain says "maybe" and my dick says "YES YES FOR THE LOVE OF GOD YES!!"
Randomize
