I heard it from a little bird bananas is gonna be there
Is this bird reliable bc I don't wanna be wasted running around the bar asking where bananas is
hey did I tally my arm again of # of shots?
nope, you were tallying rejections at the party
We must be getting old. All of our friends are having kids and they aren't illegitimate.
i wish there was a photo editing effect that fully opened my drunk eyes
I told him we can only be friends from now on & he said he knows but that I'm the 'best he ever had'.
you slept with him again didn't you
you can't just quote Drake AND compliment me at the same time & receive nothin. he knows me too well
YOU SUCK AT REPLYING IM IRRESPOSNIBLY DRUNK WHAT THE FUCK ARE YOU DOING WITH YOU LIFE. celebrate the magicness with me.
Worst part of blacking out... Waking up and having to do the teeth check
The less money I spend on drugs, the happier my mom will be.
I don't hate him I just hate being present to see him consume 80 dollars worth of alcohol and then try to tip people with left over money on a Walmart gift card
My favorite bartender added me on Facebook. Now he can clearly see how under 21 I am
I literally just fucked insane clown pussy. 24 yo nut job moonlights at children's parties. Gave me head while still in full clown makeup from my kid's birthday party.
She took the fish and put it in the hot tub, then turned on the jets. She said she was training it for the Olympics.
We work out, have really intense sex, and then eat cereal marketed for children. We have a system, okay?
Still alive. Just brushed my teeth with fireball.
I just noticed, at some point last night I got on iTunes and purchased over 100 classical piano songs.
Randomize
