u know ur in oregon when the cop tells u to keep the beer cans he made u pour out so u can recycle them
his balls ACTUALLY tasted like nuts
I wish there was a Glade Plug-in for vaginas
I just woke up with the words DO IT on my hand and six beers in my purse.
There's gotta be a happy medium between the guys who only want to sleep with me and the ones that respect me too much to try to sleep with me.
Apparently drunk me thinks it's a good idea to put drops of acid in assorted open drinks in the fridge... This should be a fun week.
No no, there's drunk and then there's 'spooning with lawn gnomes' drunk.
Seriously, dude... You knows its bad when you gag on her nipple.
I just blocked a guy on grindr for having a little dick. See? I do have standards.
It could be worse. I was dumped by a guy in a kilt after he gave my shoes away on St. Patrick's Day.
I made out with a guy who was dressed as Borat
And like a minute in, I was like oh fuck what am I doing
Did you run away?
I DANCED AWAY.
You were drunk at 5 You went to the dining hall and cried because your brain and fingers weren't working. Your RA came up to you and suddenly you became sober. I was very proud of you.
DO NOT THROW SOUP AT YOUR SCREEN
Also, McDonald's breakfast is now 24/7. This is it. This is how I die. Face first in a pile of hashbrowns.
Turns out my GF and my FWB have a mutual friend. Yada yada yada, I need to crash on your couch
Randomize
