everything is bigger in texas. Including my drinking problem.
Why do I feel like the only way for this trip to end is alcohol poisoning?
Do you know who the random guy who just walked in to kiss me goodnight is?
Either I put my underwear on inside out and wore it like that all day, or I had sex with him. Its sad I have to guess.
i feel like the wall was a canvas for his penis.
They called it unicorn pee, and i thought that was interesting so i drank it. Please don't let me drink strangers booze again.
All I know is that I'm not gonna send out SOS messages via twitter for your rescue this time.
WTF YOU SHOULDNT BREAK A SWEAT TAKING A SHIT. MY BODY HATES ME.
How do I tell her I need the lights out when I'm getting head because she and my mom share a perm color
We can stop fighting if you send me a picture of your dick standing at full attention wearing a sock.
I'll wait.
It can also be a hat.
I just gate-crahed a party and met a state senator, so I had an interesting afternoon jog.
My boyfriend's brother just got out of jail and he is already telling us to steal cable. Dude.
I cant see straight, her clothes are all over my floor and I'm covered in bite marks... No I will not go to brunch with you
I need to stop waking up with no pants on.
what happened this time
I dont know everyone was gone and there was a bird in the room
I've got a tequila scented hand sanitizer for you.
you're the best roommate i could ever have.
Randomize
