I just walked into the kitchen and my dad was having this uber serious convo
With himself
DO IT!!! IT MUST BE FATE THAT I GAVE YOU THAT CONDOM!!!!
Places you have drunkenly threatened to piss: my bed, my bros bed, my moms bed, my bros wedding
Thanks for making breakfast. I usually have cereal and coffee...but i think margaritas and turkey sandwiches could catch on.
And then I learned that we are dating when I said it's out of line to bring fuck buddies home to meet the parents. And then I was single.
Nothing says 'good morning' like waking up only to realize this chick was watching you sleep. She's crazy
this is not the first time I've had hot dogs and 151 for thanksgiving.
Things I just found under my covers: protein bar, string cheese, vibrator.
Please stop using me as a reference for bail bondsmen.
I tried to steal a Mike's Hard sign last night but it didn't work out
why what happened?
Well it was going fine.. until the bouncer noticed the three foot steel lemon sticking out of my jacket.
I tried to be mean but not so mean that he won't bone me next weekend
I can't believe that after 9 years of signing things as "BATMAN", the first place to turn it down was the liquor store down the block.
We need a kiddie pool and lots of cornstarch
Relationship goals: we both wore red underwear tonight. Except he won’t know because my bra been off but it’s the thought that counts I guess.
No pussy. I don't care what time of year it is you do not look tough wearing sandals. Honestly you look like a high school guidance counselor.
Randomize
