Mmmm, vodka for breakfast
even in my darkest moments, having another person eat my jizz would make me smile
The last thing I remember is you asking me how to grow french fries.
that blow job was not worth the clinginess that will follow
Great. I get laid, Leslie Nielsen dies. I can't have have sex anymore, the film community can't take another loss like this.
This is going to be BYOBM Vegas trip: Bring Your Own Bail Money.
Also, I think I'm too drunk to be at the gym right now. But how sober do you need to be for IM volleyball?
in literally every picture i'm wearing less and less of my costume.
We're going to shave my junk and take pictures of it wearing fake mustaches we found at the dollar store. They're uncannily realistic; much better than the cockstaches of my youth.
we got kicked out of McDonald's because you kept screaming THAT SHIT CRAY at the woman in front of us because she ordered a fish filet.
...that shit cray.
And then, I saw the prophecy come to fruition. It was the Dick of Destiny.
you left the hospital looking like the grudge, your mom and I were pushing you in a wheel chair and you yelled peace out fuckers.
Dougie got over his pride nerves. Found him dancing on a float wearing nothing but rainbow boxers.
It's one PM on a Saturday and I'm sitting here drinking Jack, eating a block of cheese and playing Minecraft. Please tell me you can come drag me to a bar.
Herpes is not a lady problem you can solve with shower beers and kissing boys
Randomize
