GM filed for bankruptcy, all the dealerships closed, and it's june and I'm in jeans and a sweatshirt and I'm cold. What is the point of living in this state anymore?
My 11 year old cousin is wearing a Jane Austen fan club t shirt. I'm trying not to tear into her, but I'm five coronas deep and losing control.
Why is your vibrator in the fridge?
I'm testing sex in Alaska before I go there.
Im calling him
was mistake calling. If you drunk dial someone you deserve to choke on a tubesock. Take the advice. Always remember
I hope it's socially acceptable to wear a mesh one piece into last call tonight?
You know it's last call at a gay bar when the guys at the urinal are just jacking off in front of each other. Most awkward pissing moment of my life.
He started to lick a stick of butter and was calling it Jennifer.
I'm sure nobody at Walmart was wondering why I was wearing a glittery tutu and needed $300 changed into small bills
I found three naked dudes in your bed this morning. Did we have a really weird break in or do you need to tell me something?
Just broke into the basement of my house via my american red cross blood donor card. I officially save lives
Crawl out into the sunshine and off your vibrator for 7 minutes
Ha! Just garden hosed my vag and thought of you.
I woke up with a jacket; in it passport, hockey tickets, sunglasses, credit card, bank transactions
She flirted with a pilot and a frat boy at the airport in Vegas and told our bartender his mask matched her panties so yeah I’d say she’s rebounding from the divorce
that's the second time my extensive knowledge of taylor swift has gotten me laid
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