You know the commpass Jack Sparrow has? The one that just points at whatever you want? Thas pretty much my moral compass.
I had my own version of the Hangover last night. I woke up to a disassembled Christmas tree, shit on the futon, and a hamster in the bathroom with a necklace on that said "Feed Me Bitch." I don't own a hamster. I don't know what I drank last night, but I want to do it again.
she just gave her compliments to the chief, at dennys
My dick just stopped my iPhone from falling into the toilet.
Just checked my recent transactions online. Between the hours of 1 and 3am on September 30th, I went to 7/11 4 times. Unacceptable.
THERE ARE ENTIRELY TOO MANY HOT UNDERAGE GIRLS HERE FOR THIS TO REMAIN LEGAL.
Did you rob me and blame it on the strippers?
NO. NO LET HIS PENIS TOUCH YOU.
At least she'll always have a story about the time she showed up to the emergency room drunk and covered in chocolate syrup on her birthday.
She knocked me and my drink to the ground with her ass. I have never been mad at someone for having a glorious booty.
It was all fun and games until she said "you're so pretty I wanna punch you in the face" and the proceeded to punch her in the face
if i do community service solely to impress a guy, everyone wins, right?
except your soul
I'm so bored I talked to the Bible guys for 30 minutes.
I offered them beer last time they came here bahaha
Went on a blind date. Afterwards I ripped my pants off and said "it's game time". He was into it.
I NEED A MOM FRIEND. NOW.
Randomize
