She texted me and said she was fingering herself. Don't respond to this because she's the perfect girl. I'd love to smell her cell phone after that.
I assume you meant to text someone else on your contact list instead of your own mother...
I'm actually glad you're quitting. Now there's one less person at work who's seen me naked.
Lets get real here, ive seen your moms breasts multiple times
I'd rather take 10 virginities than catch something. Right now I should be good, I mean the sex with Jake was so bad he can't possibly have an std
Only at Harvard can you walk in on a bunch of stoners and expect everyone to immediately stand up, shake your hand and introduce themselves like we're at a fucking job fair
Ideas I've had tonight: An entire movie based off the Pixar lamp jumping on stuff.
well his attempt to make a white russian with instant coffee, gone off milk, and that weird probably illegal vodka we bought the other day isnt going well
I don't know. What do people who don't get stoned do?
Pretty sure I used toilet water to wash vomit off my face last night...
I'm sorry for aggressively singing the Frasier theme song at you so many times last night.
Apparently I've texted the word shitfucked so much it auto-completes it now.
I'm gonna go parent style on your ass... I don't ask much from you but if you could please just come get shitfaced with me I would really appreciate it
Straight up last night my mom was like josh you need to find a job that doesn't include the selling or transporting of drugs
He fucked me harder than I've ever been fucked before and afterwards he started crying and profusely apologizing to god and baby Jesus for his sin.
I know you’re not my dad, but you’re someone’s dad. You’re also like a second dad to me as well. And one who I send nudes to as well. Happy Father’s Day
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