Why is there a cactus in the microwave?
Don't worry about it.
I walked downstairs and there were 50 sorority girls. I wasn't expecting an audience during my walk of shame.
Other than a hickey from some random Canadian roller derby girl, I came out unscathed
I can't decide who is the bigger alcoholic: you for opening that bottle of wine just now or me for hearing it in the other room over the air conditioner
Jail is not for me. They portion control your meals and I don't really like that.
SIMBAAAA REMEBER WHO YOU ARE
Attempted to dodge my boyfriends cum last night and ended up falling off the bed and getting the worlds most painful charlie horse. fuck my life.
Fulfilled a bucket list goal last night. Borrowed a dollar from a stripper to buy smokes
God bless Atlanta.
It's funny to me the only time that you clean up is when your weed delivery man is on the way.
You told your family you're bi over the phone?!
We were talking about exes and it just came out....and so did I.
Her mom came down to the basement and took shots with us. She's now passed out in a wheel barrow. This party got weird
I'm asking you this because you're my dad....is coke a drug I should try?
She was topless, yelling this is Sparta, threatening to push her dad into the sewer. I am pretty sure she won't be at school.
Some guy at the bar last night bought us Arrowhead water and I was so drunk, it tasted good
dude I fucking saw you snort tequila
Randomize
