The drunk teletubby stumbling out of the place tipped me off..
She greeted me with a new giants jersey and an opening day blowjob. this is true love.
I like my landing strip. Makes me feel sophisticated.
What you did last night can never be called sophisticated. I don't care how you trim your pubes.
You were running around drunk in a Toga chasing the frat's Husky. Of course they remember you.
Today needs to die. The mail delivery guy watched me throw up in my yard while taking my chihuahua out in Christmas pajamas at noon. Low point in my life.
Just walked into the bar to find a guy in a Boba Fett helmet leaning casually against the wall, texting. This night just got real.
Before we fucked we both mutually agreed not to tweet about it.
Went to the elf storage building to help him get his old dresser. Found his brother's stash in the drawer and ended up passed out w him on the mattress in there instead.
I need vodka and champagne for my new favorite drink, vodkapagne. Alternative spellings are "vodkapain" and "vom-machine"
Did I just hear you ask Siri about the meaning of life?
I'll pass on that plan. The lack of my penis in new vaginas is no where on the itinerary.
So it was all good until she started grabbing my beard and telling me to "roar little lion"
I agree and I would be an awesome dog
Why did my mother make you get naked?
I can’t shake the image of her gigantic black unibrow. It’s like I got a blowie from Eugene Levy
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