I really wanna talk..
if by talk you mean have nasty makeup sex involving marshmellow fluff.. I'm down
We need to get her some penis inspired head protection.
according to the woman who took my blood today, i have "party veins"
Chipotle chips and wine for breakfast. Its def game day
I'm not sure if you saw my recent facebook update, but I have already put the Radio Flyer wagon to good use. I had someone pull me to the nearest bar.
explaining to a nurse how i all most cut my finger off playing beer pong, she def just hand me a AA booklet.
because drunk making out is frowned upon in museums i think
1) I'm a decent drunk texter. 2) My world is spinning. 3) I'll give you a dollar and a hug for a glass of water. 4) I love you. 5) Example: your penatrive ways are overwhelming my alternative lyfestyle. 6) That is all.
7) Noodle arms: engage
The example was me just using big words while hammered. You're welcome. Ambidextrious. I spelled it right.
He said bring my breathalyzer and Anna's pepper spray, I didn't ask questions
My cousin is passed out in my room, so I just masturbated in my walk-in closet. Apparently I get off on danger. Make note of that.
all night she kept rolling over and mumbling something about wanting an extendable retractable urethra.
You said "I'm not gonna waste my last condom on you" last night.
Listen here, Ms. "I'm Gonna Get Super Drunk and Run From My Friends Screaming That They Were Going to Drag Her to a Scientology Recruitment Camp"...
Update on my sex life: my calves are sore from masturbating too much. It's a thing. Look it up.
Getting a smaller wine glass hasn’t changed the amount I drink—it just means I get more steps each day. Cheers to health!
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