it was all good till he told me to dance slow and quiet
i was blowing him and "what if god was one of us" came on his playlist. I had to leave
Y do pigs give u trufles on farmville? I WANT BACON YOU FUCKING PIG!
For Halloween this year I'm gonna go as Angelina from Jersey Shore. I'm gonna yell "umm HELLO?!," cockblock someone, then leave the party early
i want to swaddle you in tequila
just because the DWI class is located at the University does not make him a professor. I was duped, he is in no way, shape or form a professor!
I just folded my boss's lingerie. I need a drink and a raise
You know it's been a rough week when you funnel beers by yourself.
I got wine drunk and bought a hedgehog.
after the ketamine those signs on the bathroom door had little meaning to us
You just sent me an audio message of you peeing. That’s true love right there.
i pushed adam in a shopping cart for 15 blocks, then we realized we left tyler downtown
did you go back and get him?
nah we went to a karaoke bar instead, so worth it
we just got sex advice from a midget. You better fucking get here.
i woke up this morning wearing my pants as a scarf and my shirt as a daiper, my boyfriends contact name in my phone is "human sacrifice" and yours is "i like eggs"....can someone please tell me what happened last night
He is completely naked, curled in a ball, and rocking back and forth in the shower humming lullabies to himself. This is your responsibility since I'm going to be fucking someone in 5.7 seconds.
Randomize
