and the mascot is a pinecone. its really no surprise that people here dont get laid
i forgot i changed ur name in my phone to "the situation" so when u texted me i got really excited for a hot second
i thought we decided on me being "the altercation" instead
A kid wearing a Batman belt buckle in my psych class just asked how people get pee fetishes. I'm too high for this.
Well, I woke up with a text message from my cab driver that said "I hope you're alive," so that's a good indicator of how I was acting last night.
its not like she's the last girl on the planet with symmetrical breasts and great skin
Sometimes I wish I could open my skin and just take a little peek at my liver. You know, just to see if it's rotten yet or still perfect looking.
Apparently, the right response to, "How do you feel about a terrorist being in the area?" isn't, "Well, we have vodka in the freezer, so we're good for now."
I had an epiphany. If a dude dressed up as Batman to ask me out, I'd prolly marry him.
It was awful. He had a wife
And now you've had a year of virgin penance. Absolve yourself.
She asked for references to decide whether she wanted to have sex with me. And she was serious.
Let's never forget the time I met you while you were running down the street naked and in handcuffs.
You took motorboating me in public to a whole new level. You poured your beer down my top and LAPPED IT UP.
A 5 day bender that ended with refusing to pay my bar tab before I left the city. I offered to send them a selfie so they knew to never let me back in.
Imagine the quality of nudes you could send with a selfie stick
I peed in front of kids, unfortunately
Randomize
