I'm at a Mexican Walmart. Wish you were here.
I'm at subway, this 8 year old kid is judging my fashion sense with his dad. I want to kill myself.
It's ok, he's just 8, he's not judging you.
He just asked why I'm sitting alone. I honestly want to cry.
I recorded his drunk dial calls. My personal favorite was the one that began, "grab the bull by the horns and fuck his cock."
I woke up this morning to 7 word documents that all said "remember to be extremely angry at your jerk of a brother." What the hell did you do to me last night?
dude it was like an art museum there were boobs everywhere
apparently, i ordered a pogo stick last night. i can't even be mad about that.
Im trying to find an appropriate gift to your mom for getting both you and your sister on birth control within a week, any suggestions?
If we don't have crazy animal sex tonight at least twice, I'll know he's cheating on me.
Who wouldn't want crazy animal sex with you?!
A cheater.
Come to Des Moines on Saturday, handcuff yourself to me and drink a bottle of vodka
My new successful method of booty calling is sending a screencap of a map with the shortest route from their location to mine highlighted.
He won't leave and I need to take a shit and vomit, quite possibly at the same time.
Yes but I said "let's get a dog" not a drunk human so some rules will be established this evening
He walked into the bar with a pineapple and they served him AND the pineapple
Hey do you remember me?
You were the giant banana I had sex with... how could i forget?
This is the weekend we were supposed to be in Vegas making bad decisions hoping no one got VD, not stuck at home for the 900th day in a row
Randomize
