i actually looked down at my cock today and said "whoa buddy, you need a haircut....(grimace) and a shower"
would you object to me following you around all the time with a video camera and selling it to TV? Your life could make me millions.
What can i say im a girl who smells like weiners.
I just masturbated into a dress sock. I feel fancy
Were not alcoholics, were just impatient for fridays
Monday: I just need a drink Tuesday: OMG no more this week! Wednesday: oh shit how'd I get drunk Thursday: I'm glad you've stopped the pretenses
Bjs on a first date are the gateway to getting to know someone for who they really are.
It was about the point the universe collapsed in on itself and I was a singularity of insanity that I realized I was tripping balls.
My inner buddhist recalls, "You receive the d when you aren't looking for it, only when the d wants you." True story.
You may now shotgun with the bride
OH MY GOD! I CAN FEEL A PULSE IN MY BALLS IT HURTS! ITS LIKE MINI FEMINIST NINJAS ARE ATTACKING MY BALLS!!!
Puking in the Ritz Carlton bathroom was actually kind of a nice experience
He asked me who my new boyfriend was and I showed him a picture of my sex toys.
so the casino kicked my ass last night, i'm pretty sure i hit a new level of hungover....just showered with my sunglasses on because the bathroom light is too bright
Nah, i wasn't offended. Having a bridesmaid who you had had multiple threesomes with your future husband would be weird.
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