I just had a dude tell me how he got fired from friendly's for tripping a kid and followed the story with "If i'm gonna do it, I do it big."
I felt like I was in a real life creepy Myspace message. "girl u cute" ... "girl u got a really nice smile"
the girls on my floor started fighting over who got to keep the random hoodies that boys forgot in my room after sex
My math professor just asked us to draw the graph of the derivative of our drunkenness from friday to sunday. Dear Jesus this looks bad.
The other night after we fucked we talked about Lowe's vision insurance. Never fuck a coworker.
Day drunk and a can of soup and wine straight from the bottle and alone and on my kitchen floor.
Also: how drunk is your brother? He just left me a message as batman.
after she pushed someone down the stairs to get more vodka we lost her for a while and found her on the pole in the garage pouring water on herself
When I said 'i love my boyfriend' I didn't mean 'send me a picture of your penis'.
The site I use to study flash cards keeps showing ads for truck companies hiring drivers. It's like the site is saying "hey, we all know there's no hope for you, just give up and Become a truck driver."
Her roommate was talking on her cell when I came out of the bedroom and I definitely heard her describe how shitty and terrified I looked. Awesome.
Tony's mom to him at breakfast: "I found the shirt you wore last night in the bushes this morning."
it was a hallmark card with butt plugs.
I'm gonna invite every single tinder date I've had to my birthday. Let them fight, battle Royale style. The winner gets to fuck me. \n\nBest. Birthday. Ever
One can only be this extremely wet once a year and I feel like I'm bitch slapping god by not using this gift he has bestowed on me.
Randomize
