Rescue me. My white trash great uncle just pulled out his belly at the restaurant to show us how big this woman's tit was
So I was talking to her on the phone last night and had to mute it so I could take a crap.
Side Note: My mute button doesn't work.
i just heard a guy call his kid "Google" in a way that leads me to believe that's his name. this day couldn't get worse.
she sang that "this little piggy song" to my balls. and somehow made it work, with me only having two balls instead of five.
Soo I have a handle of 100 proof captain, cupcakes, and nothing to get up for in the morning.. This blizzard is shaping up to be a great night.
i just dedicated my kegstand to your breasts
Fell into a man hole last night. I've been bleeding since 11pm. Got kicked out of the bar for being bloody.
Her vagina smelled like pancake batter. That's all you need to know.
Puking on the side of the road and legitimately just got a head nod and thumbs up from an 80 year old man on a Segway... What the fuck?
My dad found me naked curled up under a towel on the couch with a fucking tub of butter and a spoon. Ambien Mondays are dead
He gave me a script of norcos and touched my balls so overall it's been a good day.
I didn't have cash to pay cover at the bar, so I traded the bouncer a Krispy Kreme doughnut i had in my purse
Omg the world wants us to be better people
I refuse
YOU SLEPT WITH A GUY WHO HAS A BILLBOARD IN HIS HONOR?
Worst wingman u don't do ANYTHING but laugh at my incompitant shyness
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