his mom walked in while I was blowing him. he turned around in panic and accidentally punched me in the face. i have a black eye and only half the clothes i came here in. can you give me a ride?
Can you believe The 5th Element didn't get best fight scene in 1997?! I'm still bitter. 12 years later.
Haha how do you remember that?
HOW COULD I FORGET?!
do you remember putting condoms over both your hands and asking me if your fists would be too big.
went to library to start paper due tomorrow & took those orange addys u gave. now realizing they were ur xanax. completely fucked and going to fail, but calmly at peace with the situation.
I'm going to have to call in sick tomorrow. After this weekend, there's no way I can handle hearing the accountants talk about double entry without puking.
apparently I kept yelling at her that I wanted t-Rex sized lines. awesome
I had the spins so badly it was like I was having sex with 2 girls
ill do whatever it takes for me to get more high and eat pie
i can't sleep with him. he has a scrapbook from the girl he lost his virginity to.
Seriously. There are at least 10 other people drinking at the bar with me at 10:40. Im justifying it with the fact that I've been up since 5am.
Why did the fire extinguisher taste lemony?
I think that's why god made me a woman. Bc it's harder to slap people in the face with a vagina.
She went to her drug test stoned.
And strangely enough, we all know she'll pass it.
GET ME OUT OF HERE THE DOCTOR KNOWS HE IS JUDGING ME I DEMAND A PRISON BREAK
she told him my safe word. I'm gonna casually work it into conversation and at him suggestively to see if he realizes i want to have rough sex with him
Randomize
