Thanks for the three minutes of sex tonight.
I may or may not have slept in someones apt on your street because they told me I was fun sized like a mini snickers
i think guys who wear condoms are gentleman.
I just heard an old guy ask the chick he was with if she wanted to try ass to mouth...
thanks for that.
My vagina makes bad decisions like its her job
This frat boy drinking a forty and wearing a pussy patrol shirt just ran out in front of my car. I should have used less brakes.
The plus side of allergy season is that after our weekend coke binge my runny nose fits right in.
You tried to poop in the sink last night.
Just saw a dude walk out of the parking. Garage in a diaper and tutu. He had a handle in one hand and a toy bow in the other
LOL its 11 am
Teaching my class, used paper clips to fix my hair. Too hungover to be a kindergarten teacher.
wow thanks for pushing me towards an older man
you gotta start somewhere if you're going to be a trophy wife
I'm still questioning who dropped me off last night. So successful wedding?
The free coupon that printed out with the purchase of my plan b emergency contraception was for allergy meds. I feel like a coupon for condoms would've been more fitting in this situation.
Oh wait. It's for wart remover. Fitting, afterall.
He went down on me and then made me breakfast in bed. He's a man you can bring home to mom.
I can't wait to see you & have espresso-fueled sex
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