So I have to go swallow an entire zebra. Ur on ur own girl.
I met the nicest Tranny last night. He/She loves Cheetos.
Everytime she would start slurring, she'd stop, hold up a finger, wait like 30 seconds, then try again. I love drunk people
I just smelled my beer. It smells like coming home.
I just wanna go home eat some pizza rolls, get warm and jerk off, and it's only 845. This shit was supposed to make me see unicorns. Not cry
that's why i use the vibrator in the tanning bed. multitasking. plus then my rooms doesnt know how pathetic of a life i lead.
I am in my freshman residence hall trying to convince an Asian man to give me my pants back. Never. Drinking. Again.
He was having a "party in the princess castle." At what point do I blindfold him and take him to AA?
They're tearing apart the house I lost my virginity in:(
He wouldn't let me put a red handprint on his face or scream to him everytime he walked away.
Why did you want to do any of that?
If someones last name is Wilson, you are obligated to pretend that you are Tom Hanks and they are a Volleyball and quote the movie when you speak to them.
So if her brother fucks my brother, can I just tell her that anal sex is in her genes?
i went out at 5pm and cant remember anything until 3am...i was at the bus stop parking lot running around doing the Arrested Development chicken calls.
I just need to drink whiskey get off and eat some cheese. Why is that so fucking hard for god to deliver.
First time since we broke up that I'm not drunk before noon...win for broken hearts everywhere
Mom wants to know if you're coming over or if it's safe for her to take her bra off...
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