What's everyones problem with my costume?!
It looks like a unicorn came on your face.
Whenever ur ready we need breakfast and a psychic.
Don't fret. That vag would have consumed a lesser man.
I keep finding coffee grounds in my vagina
If i evwr doyble fist jack daniels and smirnoff again, i hereby give you permission to take them both away grom me and give me and give me a glass of wat
They ran through the sprinklers in front of campus police, shirtless. Singing "love is a battlefield"
Small children cheering my name. I am not a decent enough human being to feel comfortable with this.
You can wear my underwear. It'll be like old times.
Your headphones are on the door knob and I left you a burger on the door step.
I'm wearing a cape at the laundromat. I really can't say shit
Go to the bar. Find a girl. Ask if she can cook. Tell her you have a guitar at home. Ask her if she wants to see it. Bring her home. Sleep with her. Tell her it's your birthday in the morning. Enjoy your made with lust breakfast.
You put on a bike helmet, yelled "doesn't matter fuck it" then punched a stick the fire
Like I’ve seen him completely trashed and I’ve also seen him rip shirtsleeves off with his teeth and I can’t tell if I’m intrigued or not
I just had a man tell me he was going to think about me when he was fucking his wife tonight. This is my proudest moment as a gay.
That was the first time i’ve been physically intimidated by a LinkedIn profile.
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