cynthia nixon should never get laid more than me
Let's make jello shots for tomorrow
What's going on tomorrow?
Nothing, it's Wednesday
We walked in and found his glass coffee table broken and you in the bathroom throwing up saying "What a bad first impression."
This is drunk me apologizing to sober me in advance.. I am sprry about you're trashed house. Mom an dad will be home by 5 so get up and clean. P.s. Mike is in the closet passed out.
I dont care how high you are, meat and sprinkles dont mix dude
it was a whole new experience in the world of ball fondling
Its great. Every time she starts barking i know ive got approximately 37 seconds to hide my gf in the closet and throw some clothes on
Due to the events of st patties day last year I created a moral and ethical policy so that I won't get kicked out of the bar again. It mostly consists of not wearing pants so then I don't take them off at the bar.. and subsequently get kicked out.
you missed an awesome concert last night. some middle aged woman that was grinding on me kept trying to stick her hand down my pants. i ended up rewarding her tenacity by letting her hold onto it for a song, i think it made her night.
the mexican frat downstairs started singing this mariachi song, then out of nowhere some dude busts out a trumpet and plays along. is this even real?
He told me we were going to a cabin. It's just logs and a tarp made into walls. This night can go either way at this point.
We're taking a shot every time Landon Donovan takes a shot. It's clever, sort of.
The dominatrix coworker is currently listening to pop music that has been translated into an Irish dialect and sung by high school kids. Every day gets weirder here.
My tinder date wouldn't stop talking about the Star Wars movie trailer long enough to fuck me. HOW IS THIS MY LIFE?!?
That bitch claimed that you said it was ok if she drank your vodka. Obviously she has never met you
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