So I was throwing up in this fancy toilet at a party last night, when he decided it would be funny to flush it. It was a beday. I had to walk out with toilet water and regurgitated rumpleminze all over my face and shirt.
you were carrying around a glass of vodka telling everyone it was Russian water
So she is eating her margarita with tortilla chips....like using her chip as a spoon
I woke up to him climbing naked through my bedroom window with a bottle of jd in his hand. Of course I had sex with him.
he made a joke about you fucking his daughter...i think youre golden
Hey everyone. This evenings celebration will commence with a cocktail hour at genghis at 830 to be followed with an upscale dining experience at taco bell at 10. All are welcome. This is not a joke. Thank you
Maybe we could get a groupon for vasectomy. I'm game.
Sorry for rubbing my feet on you and repeating "good pony, stay."
If I don't have the money by then, I'll pay you in sex.
It's going to be 23.5 times of sex and 19 blow jobs. I just googled it.
She's trying to sext her husband for the first time. I'm feeding her lines. It is 3 am and I am playing Cyrano for my wasted big sister TELL ME I AM NOT THE BEST SISTER IN LAW ON THE PLANET.
In case you're wondering what I'm doing, I'll be banging an 18 year old this weekend. Repeatedly.
Hey, thanks for not calling the cops when I answered the door naked, high as fuck, and covered in red velvet cake batter.
The moment I was petting the giraffe was the moment I passed out
I'm really proud of my unchallenged ability to convert boob guys into ass men
Is texting an old booty call with "can you still get your ankles behind your ears?" an appropriate way to reemerge into the singles scene???
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