My phone has seen less use in the last three days than Tom Brady's condoms.
I saw an Asian dude carrying a patchwork denim purse get into a car with two rednecks at the grocery store tonight. Imagine what I could have seen if I had actually done something interesting.
under NO circumstances is it acceptable to fist pump to taylor swift
he told me he was watching a movie and he'd be over later and i asked how long. he said 8 inches give or take. you cease to amaze me with the guys you set me up with.
she got into med school, i feel dumb for banging her dance major friend
I went around and congratulated every guy that had a beard for having one
Goddamn tequila
Third base with a 7ft basketball player last night. Fingers like a champ. I call him Edward Penishands.
It's not your birthday unless mom picks you up at the bar
Has anyone ever blacked out at an art show your dad brought you to?
There is a reason my most meaningful relationship since 2012 has been with Duracel...
also I was promised more toga parties by popular media
Don't judge me like that. At least the house is getting cleaned. If I have to drink and listen to Disney music on repeat for that to happen, so be it.
just played fuck the dealer and thunderstruck with my physics ta. he is the third ta that i have drank with this semester, i think i'm getting good at college
Good Morning! You are sterile right?
I boned my sugar daddy for the first time yesterday and now I know why they say guys in their 40s are the best. Also I’m getting a car.
Randomize
