Last nIght I drank wIth the new guy from fellowshIp & my pastor I've known sInce I was 7. It was agreed by them that I had nIce tIts. I'm not weIrded out In fact I'm flattered...
I love seeing the creepers that friend request me outside of facebook. its like seeing a unicorn in the middle of campus.
Fuck Spring. The birds chirping at 4am make me feel unnatural for still being up and drunk.
there's a wings menu taped to my wall. don't tell me i don't have my priorities straight.
like stop trying to get a relationship out of this when i'm clearly in the drunken mistakes part of my life.
Wise words from the guy who drunkenly chipped his teeth on the sidewalk
Crosswalk actually
The condition was that I had to eat her out to Beethoven
Body shots with my MILFs MILF!!
All I did was send my mom an ecard
Why were you not born a dude?
Because god wanted to level the playing field
I watched you down those shots like a lion cub watching its mother rip apart a gazelle
A 3am FaceTime to go to IHOP is the closest thing to a bootycall that I'm getting
If the world ends and i have no vodka please just kill me.
TELL HER ABOUT THE GODDAMNED MOTHERFUCKING POTATOES
Typical Sunday morning text...are you alive?
Do you remember feeding the vacuum doritos last night?
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