wow, farting in latex pants is really awkward.
If you get a breast reduction, you have to let me see them before hand at least once. It's a rule.
So shortly after drunk sex...she starts crying and saying..." you don't care about me, you never do anything nice for me" so I called her a cab
you dialed the number "23" then talked to it for three minutes
that's the ideal party shoe. cute, but i can still puke in them.
also, did you notice that when he quoted your email he used MLA format?
Why did I think it was so necessary to steal that rolling pin?
Just induced vomiting to put out a carpet fire.
Everyone is cheering
Oh thank Jesus fuck for my shitty infertile womb. Crisis averted
She called to say the cops were not fake cops. some one has to go get her in an hour
Remember last NYE when after the 9th shot of tequila you went on full crazy mode and made out with the 50 y/o doorkeeper? and he called you the next day?
I gave my girlfriend a ring to celebrate our anniversary, she thought It was an engagement ring. Now im getting married and I don't know what to do.
I went to an adult Halloween party last night dressed as Mrs. Doubtfire, but I woke up on a stranger's couch surrounded by sleeping children in karate gi's. And I accidentally flushed my granny wig mid-puke, so if they wake up I'm gonna have to convince them that I'm just a weird older man and not a terrible cross dresser.
How did you come to this point in your life?
Good bartenders.
Maybe if you would fuck your boss you would get string cheese too
I can get weed and taco bell delivered but frozen peas and a loaf of bread are just too scarce, what the hell is wrong with people?
Randomize
