I molested 6 butterflies tonight
giving him head while hes talking to his fiancee on the phone about inviting me to their wedding.... im invited. should i go or would that be wrong?
we need to find that guy that whips out his cock at the bar again
You never go ass to mouth. That's quite possibly the most important rule Paramedic school has taught me.
we were both as far on opposite edges of my bed as possible this morning. id say work is gonna be a little uncomfortable from now on
You can duct tape yourself to me so we dont lose you and you dont have to celebrate your birthday alone
I guess he was telling a totally normal story about being a lifeguard and I wouldn't stop screaming "THAT'S LUDICROUS" at random intervals.
I spent part of my valentines extracting candy hearts from a woman's vagina. The entire time I was thinking "this job pays for my Mercedes. This job pays for my Mercedes. This job pays for my Mercedes."
You broke the end off a wine bottle, ran outside and screamed "FOR NARNIA!!"
Drunk logic "let's go outside in front of the bar to get sick"
There's an owl outside. I feel like he's hooing directly at me.
Just test drove the kilt for Justin's wedding. NEVER. WEARING. PANTS. AGAIN.
I'm no doctor but I don't think balls are supposed to look like that.
I fucking hate them. They came over and sat on me and made out. On top of me. Who the fuck does that?
RESIST THE DICK
thats like telling me to resist drinking water. impossible.
Randomize
