watching jon and kate + 8 right now is like watching my parents split up
Please tell me you did not just serenade her with "Let's Get it On"?
Yeah I think it worked. My penis thanks you, Captain Morgan.
i was gonna tell him a really embarassing story about you, but then i remembered im in all of them
Just saw some guy walking down the street rapping about various types of pasta.
The iPad is going to make my porn collection SO much more glossier... thanks steve jobs.
Judging by what she did last night, I would say at least 4 of them have mono now.
Used my jumper cables as a bottle opener last night. Really pleased with my problem solving skills.
Yeah he's definitely gonna feel that one when he wakes up. I beat the shit out of him with that broom handle.
Taking shots of gin by myself out of TMNT glasses and chasing with bites of chocolate cake. AMERICA.
I just can't even fathom the crazy and I work at a mental hospital.
I feel like I don't show you my boobs enough. And you deserve to see them like all the time
I wanna get a tattoo next to my tattoo that says, my ex did this so don't fucking ask
In other news, the one guy I DIDN'T have sex with in High School is now famous.
What did the sign say that bob stapled to his ass?
Lobby closes at 2 AM on Thursday, but everyone walking still wants food... I could run a "Taco Bell Taxi" when I clock off at 2 and charge a dollar to give drunks a ride through drive thru.
Someones thought of a way to afford tuition.
Randomize
