Dude. Fucked her last night. Fucked her this morning. went downstairs for water. took 18 pack of Coors Light instead and took it back to my gf's. Got a blow job from her. Drinking the beer on my deck now. Best Day ever.
I think I sharted a yagerbomb.
He like poked it twice with the tip of his tongue then left it alone. I'm sad.
Don't interrupt me, I have a limited time to be high and thus be remarkably good at Pac Man
Only you could turn Mozart into a stripper song.
you thought you were invisible so you started narrating your actions.
I managed to convince him it was his fault I cheated on him...he spent the last 40 minutes going down on me. I feel legendary.
He poured syrup on all those broken dishes because "syrup is magical, and by the time we wake up, they'll be fixed."
they would be such cute babies and they would grow up to have huge dicks. and that would make me proud as a mother
In honor of the internet blackout, I think everyone needs to change their Facebook pictures to ones of them being blacked out.
If you're wearing dry underwear your day is already better than mine.
Pooping with Eye of the Tiger playing. Not a single fuck shall be given.
Hey, remember that time a week ago when we walk-of-shamed literally down the Vegas Strip at 8:45am and I had one broken heel?
when she didn't finish her burrito you wanted to call the cops because you said it was neglect
I dont think the chain smoking, tequila shots or cocaine was good for my bronchitis.
Randomize
