It's one of the reasons i'm here, along with emotional support, physical support if you need it, and power orgasms.
Before he took off his pants he paused and said, "Remember..sometimes great things come in small packages."
I was trying not to text you this weekend, so I deleted your number when I was sober. Then auto restore at midnight. It was like drunk magic
He's not actually Jewish. Turns out he just wears the yarmulke to cover his bald spot.
They tried to dine n dash at dennys and the waiter jumped on their car and broke their windshield
I called you a cum goblin in my voicemail. I stand by it.
It's all fun and games until you rupture a testicle
Why does your life consist of lesbians, black guys and cats?
If he gets me coffee, cold or no I'll make him see Jesus with my mouth.
Hold on I'll be right there, I can't find my arm.
I think I just read the whole internet. Front to back.
He went down on me while I was on the phone with my grandma.
We still getting married? Or were you day drinking
I think I deserve an award for the breakup text I sent him. Like a pulitzer prize or a donut or something.
Are you still passed out in my back seat, or do I need to come find you?
Randomize
