I pretty much can't stop smiling when I talk to you. Even when you talk about disease and infectious diarrhea.
im dressed up like a present. waiting for someone to unwrap me ;)
this is your brother
got arrested for "breaking and entering" last night when i supposedly went into the wrong house made a sandwich and tried jerking off to porn on the tv...the cops told me they came in while my dick was out...oh and i missed work this morning and got fired
I just realized I'm gonna get paid at midnight on New Years Eve. That could be dangerous.
lesson learned: don't narrate out loud about how a girl is giving you head while she's doing it
Just watched a drug bust from the Ralphs parking lot while listening to Frank Sinatra. Happy Valentine's Day.
Yeah well I used to see how many bud lights I could slam down during the pledge of allegiance, my record was 4, but I could do better now.
The kid in the park, who was on a leash I might add, looked at us and yelled "stranger danger" before hiding behind his dad
Being home sucks. I haven't drank in like a week. Or smoked cigs. Or done drugs. Or had sex. My body is shutting down.
Omg. It's like you're one of those deprived kids living in a third world country. We need to save you.
It was like die hard. Except with more penises.
I guess when I black out I feel that it's not inappropriate to grope my gf in front of her parents.... But hey at least I'm starting off 2013 single
I am honestly trying to remember his name. All I can remember is that he had a weird mole, a daughter and a lot of cocaine. Please stop letting me pick up at gay night.
Girl. There is no more toilet paper. You should have seen the twerking I just did to shake the pee off.
probably because i sent a bunch of guys a snap saying happy one year to my nipple piercings
He asked the waiter, at 6:40 am, drunk, if they served alcohol. After he said no, he's like 'well, I guess we can eat then.'
Randomize
