i got your date sluuuuuuut pick up my calls or else hes mine
Why do you have Season One of Reba in your underwear drawer?
Why are you in my underwear drawer?
you were so drunk when the pizza guy got there you told him that you didn't have any money and would trade him the pizza for 3 Porno movies and he totally did it. I may never have to pay for pizza again
i pounded out a 17-yr-old on saturday night
no, that is not a typo
i turned her down on fri night, googled the state consent laws & then caved on saturday
The only comparison I have for the iPhone is that it's like youre constantly getting a blow job
Dude, she literally stopped, mid fuck said "I want soup" got off my dick and make top ramen.
hes supposed to be my fuck buddy. im not supposed to see him on his knees praying by my bed when i walk into my room.
Dude shes not that fat. Plus, last night I probably would've done it too.
well i mean she can't stop a weed based friendship...its like a trying to stop a bomb or a really fast train...
I don't think you should say "suck my dick" and then proclaim to be a messiah, of any sort.
So from zero to dumpster fire, how shitty do you feel this morning? I'm hovering somewhere around trainwreck.
She showed up at 4:30 in the morning HAMMERED, stripped, demanded sex, then after 4 failed attempts stopped me mid-thrust to tell me she thought we should be fucking for a cause, like animal rights. Process that for a second. She wanted us to be fucking for animal rights.
He's a cop. Do you know how many times I've said fuck the police? This is my chance. I'm taking it.
A log hopped out of the fireplace and caught the carpet on fire. Good summary of this election if you ask me.
I'm high on the exercise bike at the gym. I feel like Lance Armstrong
Randomize
