You wanna call me after your homoerotic shower?
I convinced her last night that my actual nickname was "No Condom John"
New first...just saw an entire family of homeless hitch hikers...kids and all. God, i love Oklahoma!
Most the numbers in my phone are mistakes. It's a virtual graveyard of people I should never pick up for.
i just made a "things you cannot forget to do this week just because you're high" list.
Random fact of the day: cum is a really good eye makeup remover
Mom just Facebook checked into an Applebees at 2am. Caption: ''WITH THE BESTIEZ.''
I need a Xanax. A Veggie Delight. And exhibition style sex.
St Patricks day needs to be raged like youve never raged before. Like youre in the desert and it starts raining beer. Like it's the day the announced the 21st amendment (which is the one that ended prohibition)
I made that picture of you my lock screen. So I've just been standing around at work licking my phone all day.
the bright side of moving is at least my Tinder options will refresh
I tried to get more sleep but the universe decided I needed a drunken freshman instead
Like, my vagina is jet-lagged.
Starting to realize that fucking everyone I come across isn't the most... "adult"... coping method.
getting my period the day i moved was my bodies way of saying 'congratulations youre not leaving town with anybodies babies!'
Randomize
