GUESS WHAT I JUST LICKED
I feel like half our conversations start this way.
Going to eat lunch. Bunch of people in church clothes, and we are hungover, wearing pajamas, and in real danger of puking on the floor. We're about to destroy the ambience of this joint.
I'm sitting in the drive through at Mcdonalds right now watching the workers pressure wash the vomit I left from last night.
i convinced her i was a yoga teacher by showing her some warm-ups my high school track coach made up
I love memorial day. It's drinking in the name of patriotism. God Bless America
Just because it's been in my vagina doesn't mean it's important to me
I Can't even believe I threw all my pizza rolls at her, I mean not only did i ruin a good meal but now I dont have anymore
The problem with having sex on the couch is that your blanket ends up in the laundry and you're left cold on the couch the next day.
Somehow I ended up in a different costume dancing with some tree of a guy in the basement bathroom, what did you give me?
I didn't have time to wash my hair yesterday. Ended up spraying some Febreeze on it.
What's the best way to tell a guy he can call me when his impending divorce is finalized?
so.. please tell me you did not really sleep on the washing machine last night
guilty
My mom is coming to visit today & it's giving me anxiety. I feel like she can see through me & into the whore I've become.
You tried to lick the lightbulb and fell off of the chair onto my wife and gave her a concussion. Did i mention you were naked?
He just told me my boobs made up for all the bad things that had ever happened to him. I'm definately having sex with him again.
Randomize
