i wish peter jackson would direct porn
my mom told me that she didn't count me in the census because im a waste of life anyway.
It doesn't matter if I tell the story beginning to end or end to beginning, the story still starts with a random girl blowing me in the bathroom.
We have a drunken confused pantless man in our apt. Boots.
i need to start using my dry humping skills. i was dry humping champion in 7th grade
OH YEAH AND FORGOT TO THANK YOU FOR THE lack of WARNING THAT HE WASN'T CIRCUMSIZED.
He probably thinks you're playing hard to get.
Hard to get?? I'm playing leave me the fuck alone.
Just because he told you it was safe doesn't mean you should have licked it.
the fact that you have a guy named the "i want you to tie me up and fuck me" guy speaks volumes about your life.
Nick's drunk off his ass and Kyle just Texted me and all he said was "butt pirates from space".
Also this guy in my contact as hairy jerry sent me a pic of him shirtless and said I miss you and I have no idea who he is /when or if I met him but that's not normal?!
Btw "you gettin a workout in" isn't a great gym pickup line. Like no I'm fucking grabbing lunch on my way to class.
I feel like the dump I just dropped is the most successful thing I've done so far today.
Dear sober self, your keys are on the table in front of you the only way your typing this is with autocorrect goodnight love you
I love how my parents bring water bottles filled with vodka on family trips
Randomize
