Your an asshole
Actually, it's "you're an asshole"
My point exactly
I totally thought the tree was playing the guitar
I woke up to 30 angry texts and her Chihuahua in my room. Can you drop him off for me?
Dude how the fuck are we gonna get the lawnmower outta the pool?
her night didn't end so well, both of her boyfriends got arrested... together.
We made a water bong out of a wine bottle... Being an architect major finally payed off.
He called me on my way to the bathroom and told me he wanted to hear me pee my beers out... That. Drunk.
It's a hurricane, not a zombie apocalypse. WHY DID YOU BUY SHOTGUNS?!?!
Does the room smell any better?
Yeah, i sprayed perfume. It smells like Victoria's Secret, if Victoria's secret was that she was homeless.
Sorry, I was watching the Olympic story about the Canadian guy and drinking out of the prescription bottle and crying because it was so beautiful.
Well sure, my hetero side is thrilled, but my gay side is soooo judging
Just found the measuring tape in my bathroom. How drunk could I have possibly been on Saturday?!
We poured all the Fireball on the Slip and Slide and long story short I have two black eyes.
On another note, I kinda only wanna poop laying down now
Oh no. He's definitely text-flirting with me. No straight man over 30 has any other excuse to use so many smiley faces...
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