Let's hustle tonight so we can relax tomorrow
Perfect. Like where your heads at
By relax I mean have sex
theres bread in your mailbox im going to eat it
nevermind its newpaper
he pulled a hernia and i had to get the morning after pill. you tell me how our valentines day went.
his profile picture is a blurry one of him holding a beer. i recognized him instantly.
making your facebook status TEQUILA is like basically saying "im easy tonight. feel free to take advantage"
I thought i'd save money with No Heat November but the amount of whiskey i have to buy to stay warm is probably adding up to more than a heat bill.
explaining to a nurse how i all most cut my finger off playing beer pong, she def just hand me a AA booklet.
You force fed me chocolate chips and avocados for 3 hours and kept asking me about my trip to sweden when I was 4.
And the funny thing is when I went to the kitchen this morning, all 4 pizzas were still there in their boxes, untouched. My question to you is: what were we eating last night?
I'm sooo hungover. I fell asleep on top of a car in a parking lot last night. New one to add to the list.
After he came, I wiped my mouth on my baby blanket. I could feel nana rolling over in her grave.
Feel better punkin. Your balls will be gently resting on my forehead in no time
How does a law student 15 days away from graduation prepare for a pass fail final? Drinking beer, eating thick cut bacon, and watching game of thrones, that's how
Couch. On fire.
He's finally divorcing her, so naturally he tells me that we're not exclusive anymore. His penis 'wants what it wants' apparently.
Randomize
