Have you been tested recently?
Well I got my shots when I was a baby so I think I'm immune
Just tried to use the bottle of Sprite in my car as mouthwash to get the taste of puke out of my mouth- it's half vodka. Puked again. Thanks man.
After a certain blood-alcohol level, the dog is in charge.
nope, if she's going to skank it up with ginge-a-saurus douche she deserves the silent treatment.
Guess who won a bet and gets to name it Optimus prime if it's a boy
Nevermind. Totally worth it.
You said something about how beautiful my pockets were, then walked away.
Yes talking about pockets is classic me.
There's a woman at the bar holding a baby with one arm and doing shots of GM with the other. The baby is crying. I have lost faith in humanity.
I know you're very busy with sleep and things, but when you wake up we need to talk about weirdly shaped penises.
I found out my butt plug has a metal core at the airport security checkpoint...
I can't ever look his wife in the eye again. She will see right through my soul to his dick pic.
Are we going to go home and do it or do I have time to eat my nachos bell grande first?
I'm dying of laughter, but I'm also just dying
Send help
I fucked a French man last night. 5 Times. Ashed my cig in his cactus. That later set on fire while we were having sex.
so horny i almost want to text him..and then i remember the restraining order i have against him
So, I'm roughly 90% sure that the guy next to me in the xray waiting room is watching porn on his phone right now
Randomize
