Tall, dark & handsome can suck my short, pale & awkward dick.
At this point, I would light birthday candles in my vagina for free drinks
How do you wash franks red hot sauce, whip cream, grapejuice and shame out of silk?
I would just throw it away. You cant just wash out shame, it has to soak for like a month.
plan parent hood is for high school, im at the abortion clinic, so college.
The professor just announced to the class that I talked to him in the bar on my birthday.
I'm sorry for coming into your work place and trying to smuggle you out in my purse.
Ya know, in a round about way coinstar is just a glorified vending machine for all my bad choices.
Just filled the brita up in the bathtub because we couldn't get it into the sink.
I can't find the keys to get out of my front door, there are random socks in my bicycle basket and I can see a plastic handle of cheap vodka sitting on my porch. oh, and my head just broke u with me.
I think making out with someone could be the cure to all my problems. That or more cowbell.
Nothing says I've got my life together like vomiting on the groom and passing out at your youngests sisters wedding
I convinced a shit ton of people I was a russian foreign exchange student to get free drinks. I knew learning those accents would come in handy.
Indeed. If boner pill commercials have taught us anything, it's the importance of waiting until the moment is right.
Where else would I get life advice?
I apparently got up in the middle of the night after fucking him and started looking for you under piles of his clothing
I can't believe my vagina just got wished happy new year
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