I gave my ex the dutch oven last night. How was your night?
Remember when we were mad at her for brining her mom on spring break? She just won the wet t-shirt contest. I think we owe her an apology.
you told the bartender not to open the bottle because you were gonna put it in your purse in case you get cut off later
Dude i think i got lasagna in my eye
It's now 3:30 and the guy I went home with is showering me with shredded cheese. Nbd.
He's bringing condoms over for me in case we "bone".... the fact he calls it boning is not a great start.
You were pretty dunk by the time you introduced the vase as your best friend.
struggle bus is officially taking me on a road trip to hell. If this is just the first destination, I'll jump out the fucking window.
I would steal a car if I knew it had wheat thins in it
is it necessary to steal the whole car?
What i love about my dog is i can lay in bed and masturbate with him at the foot, and he just leaves me alone.
As I was balls deep, she moaned "i can't wait to see what how hot our daughter will be". Instant de-boner
The teenager outdrank all of us. All. Of. Us. I woke up and she was getting everyone water and fruit snacks. I give up.
I know he’s a bad decision but he's casual, his penis is amazing and his technique is on point.
What's the blow job-backrub exchange rate these days? I've got some killer stress knots
Who else has a jello penis in their fridge?!
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