new number. flushed my phone last night when i puked, made B help me look for it for 2 hours.
I'm sitting at the bar eating dinner next to a nerd, a guy in a 10 gallon hat, and a policeman. I feel like I joined The Village People
but really, i care about skinny girls as much as michael vick cares about rotweilers
You hit on the cop telling him you were celebrating the anniversary of your 21st birthday and ur boob job... That's how he got ur #
ah tequila...
My parole officer gave me condoms and a Starbucks gift card ... happy holidays.
I'm not taking advise from someone who responded to the pickup line "I have a penis"
I am a 5'4" ball of sexual frustration and vodka. It is that kind of night.
His legs actually look hot in that dress. He might even make a better girl than Josh
I'd google it, but I don't really want my search history to say, "Name for masturbating on a flight."
He made me choke him and call him Papi..so all in all a good night.
Just drink your champagne out of a trophy like a fuckin winner
Last night I watered my lawn and smoked a joint then cooked a steak. I'm really killing this adulthood thing.
He told me to be a woman and make him dinner. So I threw a bagel at him and went out to dinner.
why the hell did we go to a rave last night?
we didn't?
definitely went to a bar with strobe lights
JENNIFER. You passed out in a toilet with a color changing light in it.
Going back to our hometown to help Gramma move. Thinking we should see if we can fuck on the desk of the homophobic coach who first introduced us while in town.
Randomize
