I just tried to unlock my house with the car remote
I'm a big fan of 2 things right now: 1) Gatorade and 2) the fetal position
hey you didnt make it to our afterparty what happened?
Ran around with a boom box broke a trampoline float, had a girl lick my ear the usual
your brother just told me that Guinness is the first book of the Bible...
Come on... In this relationship-economy, you gotta have "awesome blowjobs" on your resume.
whenever music plays i find myself always doing kegels to the beat. its like the new foot-tapping
wanna play who's drunker? I just made macaroni & cheese taco and offered it to the pizza Guy as a tip.
I swallowed for you. Answer the phone.
I need to stop getting so excited when a guy unzips his pants and its bigger than my boyfriends. I look like a kid in a candy store.
His 21st birthday is in the middle of shark week, it's meant to be.
You know being hammered seven days in a row can do serious damage to your liver.
Text me on Monday and make sure I'm still alive
i just called my dad a bottom. he agreed
You're an idiot. I have LIVED as a cautionary tale of what happens when you drink too much and stick your dick in crazy, HAVE YOU LEARNED NOTHING?
with hottub sex, handcuffs, Pocahontas themed lap dances, and eating pumpkin pie off each other, I'm gonna say thanksgiving will be a success ;)
My tongue is raw from licking all that salt with my tequila shots...happy cinco de mayo
As a friend tho, you have the biggest dick I've ever seen
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