Imagine two people making love on top of a unicorn . . . my life is the opposite of that.
Man, ugly runs in her family
yeah, big time
barbara walters just said penis...
do you think they make care bear costumes for cats?
Hurry up. We're trading phones to prevent drunk texting.
Using his name makes it all too personal. I refuse to get attached to this one. This is all about ass. He doesn't get a name.
We're at the hospital. She got a head rush and fell and now blood everywhere. Smoke the rest, just save her a bowl
Listen to my proposal.... I feed you crackers while I fuck you ever so gently.
Just did a slip and slide down a five story staircase in my dorm. Being an engineer is fucking awesome
He drunk dialed me at 2am asking if he could put a baby in me.
He told me that his favorite part about me is hearing my voice while we fuck. I think that was the nicest thing he has EVER said to me.
Guess what I signed up for?!?!?!
Please tell me you're not selling your eggs.
You know you turned your life around when your drunk eating salad at 3 am on a Friday night
yeah, I woke up with nacho cheese crusted all over my face and head...a lone jalapeno still stuck in my ear...you win this round drunk nachos....
High school drama coach is wasted and wanted me to tell you that I’m good at flip cup and you should be very proud of me
Where the hell are you
Randomize
