Too much gin, very little bucket
Everyone agrees they like your mother better drunk
thanks for waiting 12 hours to ask if I was in a ditch or not
My heart is having a hard time convincing my vagina he's not worth it.
we didnt even make it to the club...the two of us were sharing a plastc bag in the taxi puking into it.
I NEED ANOTHER LEVEL OF CAPS TO EXPRESS TO YOU THE MAGNITUDE OF MY FADDEDNESS
Hey so when you left last night was i wearing shoes?
They invited me day drinking but brought their kids. 3 two year olds and 1 11 month old. I was asked to change a diaper, I laughed and took another drink of this margarita. I LIKE CHANEL AND TEQUILA NOT CHILDREN. Can we make new friends?
New hot neighbor boys moving in across from us...So i did the logical thing and bought two 30 packs up the hill and walked right by em. Consider the line hooked and ready to reel.
You peed up the stairs in front of everyone then blamed it on the dog
We're listening to space jam. This can only be a good omen.
I'm your Election Erection Connection
I retroactively revoke all sex we've ever had.
A dry HJ only, please. I don't deserve the comforts of lube after my horrendous fantasy football performance
The zoom feature on snap chat videos is the worst thing to ever happen to sexting
you were acting out moves from the wwe, in a dress. then you sceamed "you can't see me" and ran out of the apt.
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