I've been thinking about all the girls in my life in terms of applying to college.
Huh?
I guess what im trying to say is that your my safety school.
If it wasnt for my iphone and loopt, I would still be wandering the streets in a drunken stooper. Thanks Steve Jobs.
remember about an hour ago when i told you i was never drinking again? i may or may not be mixing malibu with caprisun. just saying.
I fell asleep with crest white strips on and ate one...
I'm at the gas station where we got beef jerky and condoms. The fact that those two are in the same sentence makes me love you more.
Is it sad that I just used my electrical knowledge to not only fix but improve my vibrator?
There's a warrant out for his arrest for throwing a mannequin through a bus stop.
ALL CAPS CUZ ITS SERIOUS SHAME.
The best part of my day was getting high in the parking lot of the movie theater and taking pics in the photo booth with the caption "CONGRATULATIONS!" we geeked out because it congratulated us for getting high
Banged my ex-wife last night...so I belong to that club now.
I mean, if you want to light yourself on fire for maximum accuracy, far be it from me to stop you
while giving me head, she stopped, looked up at me smiling and said "ill never be able to look at bananas the same way again" and then went back to work.
my grocery list today consisted of condoms. and butter.
umm... whats the butter for?
You wanna explain to me why there is a banana shoved down my pants?
Fuck him. He can bang that skeezer all he wants. Fuck her lawyerness I’m a YouTube star
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