Your face is a jimmy john
I just walked by a homeless man reading the money section of USA Today...
I just got invited to go home with a married couple...
That's a really weird place to spoon. Especially if there are more accessible places to spoon. Like a bathtub.
she carries around a jar of peanut butter. "just in case".
The only thing in that hotel room that we didn't fuck on was the roof
He did a 4 wheel burnout and yelled at the cops "Sorry! It's for a school project!". HOW does he think of this shit?
my night ended with a pity blow in a racecar bed
Don't come. It's not even a party it's a total sausage fest. Like 20 drunk dudes in a bedroom. We can still drink by ourselves though it'll be ok
No more going to class sober.. Tried it for a day or two, its just not for me
dude I don't even care if I'm getting catfished the point is I'm going to get laid. hot bitch, fat bitch, skanky bitch, i don't care my penis is having an adventure tonight regardless
I'm two shots in and wandering around Barnes and Noble with $58 in singles.
As long as you keep bringing fries home, i'll keep being naked when you get home
Oh! I forgot to tell you. Part of that weird ass dream last night. I was jamie lee curtis and I cut off all my hair because yogurt.
Well now I’m in the bathroom puking up absinthe so guess I beat myself up over it one way or the other
Randomize
