Needless to say when I told my parents they loved me less
just smoked a bowl with my history teacher. i love community college
He locked about 20 beers in a suitcase and put it in the fridge. For a complete idiot, he's a goddamn genius.
I left a cheeto on everyone's car trailing to the house i'm at, hanzel and gretel style.
Sorry for trying to give you my dresser last night. Are any of the drawers still in your car?
I was running around taking people's drinks at the bar and just dumping it into my Gatorade bottle screaming roofies.
No, trust me. Falling down the stairs is a fucking sobering experience.
Let's learn from last year: Leave the handcuffs at home on St Patrick's Day.
When a man can't even pay attention to you when you're telling him about how big his penis is, there's something wrong
Lest we forget our veterans. Also that two years ago I lost my virginity on this day in a hot tub. Go me for being the worst person on earth.
Mostly because I hate my job and a have a photogenic penis.
He's the stereotypical redneck. He tried to go kayaking during a storm and almost got into a fight when a park ranger tried to stop him
He tried to tell me that that stripper was his aunt..
I just had sex on my divorce papers. I've never felt so poetic.
Yeah I know my dick is weird, but I've surprisingly had a lot of fun with it.
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