wow wtf my bar tab was 80 dollars
IT WAS DOLLAR BEER NIGHT
I*** M*****, this is your dignity texting you. I ditched you when you started hitting on bros and old sailor men last night. My friend Sarah has pictures to prove it.
I just saw a girl make a shank with the underwire in her bra...
I'm up to 9 pic of different guys. I need 4 more boys and each one of the 13 to submit 3 additional pics. I wanna make a penis deck of cards.
why did I try to FaceTime with 311 last night?
We are sitting here staring into each others eyes, mutually rubbing forks up and down our respective noses. High as balls doesn't even begin to cover it.
Ps we ordered a pizza at the pool today and I dropped the entire thing in the pool. We still ate it. #canthang
Just licked cheese from my hot pocket off my phone. I spilled because I was eating a Popsicle at the same time. Send an adult please
He walked in on me banging his sister and said "you're both old enough to make you own decisions. Carry on"
Friday is the holy day of drinking. Thou shalt observe the Sabbath. It's in the bible. Look it up bitch.
He flew in from NY last night. We had sex in the back of my car in the airport parking lot and then he fed me fresh Babka (from Breads Bakery) as I drove him home. I can't decide if I love him or Babka more.
Oh no. Did we do a blood oath again?!
Not my lover. I would rather lose all my teeth, and I fucking love my teeth.
He actually said the words 'I miss you' followed by 'I wanna have sex with your face'. I'd say that's a win.
Remember, I smoked so you wouldn't have to. I'm like the Jesus of Marijuana.
Randomize
